


The shadow and the soul

by slugmutt



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Romance, Some bad language, but yeah this is totally a fix-it, who needs a fix-it? not me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:48:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22056535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slugmutt/pseuds/slugmutt
Summary: Rey let her eyes drift shut. “I’ve felt this before."“I’m not going to like this, am I?”“Ben Solo.” Her hands tightened on the railing as she spoke the name. “It’s exactly how Ben Solo’s mind felt, before… Just before he became Kylo Ren."*Four years after Exegol, Rey and Finn find themselves in a desperate race to stop a rogue Force user from throwing the galaxy into chaos. The one man who can help them is the one Rey told herself she'd never see again.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

If another person stopped Rey to congratulate her, she was going to scream.

She just might scream anyway, she thought, as she and Finn dodged their way through the halls of the headquarters on Ralltiir. Her nerves had been raw for weeks now. With what they’d just found on Vardos, it was taking every last bit of mental discipline she’d managed to claw together over the past four years just to keep moving.

Thank the Force for Finn. As always, he seemed to know what she needed before she did, guiding her carefully away from the crowded outer hallways and into quiet back passages where machinery thrummed from either side.

“Shortcut,” he said, and she nodded her thanks.

She took deep breaths, steeling herself for the meeting ahead. Poe wouldn’t be angry about their failure, she knew.

But he would be disappointed, which was so much worse.

Too soon, they were squeezing their way into the main conference room. Normally, the sight of the crowded room would have given Rey a quiet thrill. There were so many of them; so many beings who had made the Resistance’s cause their own. Actually, the term “resistance” was outdated now. For the past year, they’d just been part of the Galactic government’s latest attempt at democratic rule. Force help them all.

Today, the crowd just added to her unease. She’d much rather be giving this report in private. Or even better, not giving it at all.

She could see Poe through the crowd, his features animated as he spoke. Something about a new tax law. It still amused her to see the ex-general so passionate about the mundane details of running a government. It wasn’t every day that a pilot managed to adjust to the comparatively boring world of politics, but Poe had made the transition seamlessly.

Not for the first time, Rey found herself thinking that that was a good thing. The galaxy needed beings like Poe. People followed him; wanted to please him.

Even she found herself wanting to please him. It was too bad, then, that her report was so dismal.

Too soon, he was looking in her direction. “Finn, Rey.” She could see the unspoken plea for good news in his eyes. “What did you find on Vardos?”

She opened her mouth to answer, but the words stuck in her throat. She could feel dozens of eyes on her. _Just say it_ , she chided herself.

“There wasn’t much to find,” Finn said smoothly, stepping forward. “Rey managed to locate a Force signature at the scene of the attack.” The news was met with a chorus of dismayed murmurs. Even the most ignorant among them knew that when a Force user was involved in violence, it was a very bad sign. “Unfortunately, we were unable to locate any suspects.”

 _Unable to locate any suspects_. That was a very diplomatic way of saying that after days of scouring the scene of the attack, tracing Force energies, talking to everyone from government ministers to drunks at nearby bars, and finally getting so desperate that she meditated for hours, begging Luke or Leia or _kriffing anyone_ for guidance – after all that, they had no more useful information than they had had when they landed.

It would have been one thing if this were the first attack. But it was the fifth. They'd been tracking this kark-head for four months and had nothing to show for it.

Twenty-five beings dead and another hundred wounded in the latest attack alone, and all Rey had been able to tell the desperate mayor was that the attacker had used the Force. Which had hardly been news. Hundreds of beings had seen a masked figure walk into the center of a major intersection in broad daylight, pause as if waiting for the audience’s attention, and then proceed to wreak havoc, sending transport pods crashing into each other with a wave of their arms.

Really, it was a miracle that only 25 had been killed. Perversely, the low death toll left Rey with a very bad feeling. _He didn’t want deaths. He wanted attention_.

She had exactly zero strength left to deal with a young Force user with a chip on his shoulder and a point to make. She’d lived that story before, and had the scars to prove it.

“What’s our next move?” Poe asked. He was trying to help them, she knew; was giving them an opportunity to make their failure look better by spinning it into part of an overarching plan.

It was just about the worst thing he could have done. Rey felt despair pulling at her twice as strong. As if not having found any clues wasn’t bad enough, she also had no idea of how to move forward. _No idea what happened, and no idea what to do about it_. Come to think of it, that basically summed up her existence since leaving Jakku.

“We’re not sure,” she heard her own voice say.

Poe’s face fell, but he didn’t criticize. The woman to his left was less restrained.

“Our alliance with Vardos is delicate.” The face of the speaker, a young senator’s aide, was neutral, but her tone was one of admonishment. “If they cannot trust us to provide security, their loyalties may change.”

“Oh, was the mission _important_? Someone should have mentioned that,” Rey said, before she could stop herself.

Silence. Even Poe seemed at a loss for words in light of her uncharacteristic outburst.

“I’m sure you’re both doing your best,” he said after a moment, his eyes flicking briefly to the aide as he spoke. “We have every faith in your abilities.”

Rey choked back a despairing laugh.

“Permission to be dismissed, sir,” she managed. Poe nodded, but not before giving both her and Finn a perplexed look.

She turned and fled.

She was on a balcony overlooking the valley when Finn found her.

“What’s going on?”

Rey bowed her head, cursing to herself. She loved Finn, of course she did, he was her oldest friend. Still, she had hoped to have at least a few minutes alone. She needed time to collect herself. To calm down, before she got into another extremely un-Jedi-like argument.

Not for the first time, she wondered if she might actually be going insane.

“They don’t understand,” she said. “They think the Force makes everything easy. Nothing we do is ever enough.” It was true enough, even if it wasn’t the real reason she was so on edge.

“They don’t know any better,” Finn said. Rey looked at him and snorted at his expression of serene wisdom. He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know. I didn’t know any better, either.”

No, he hadn’t known. Finn, more than anyone, had thought the Force could solve any problem. He’d learned fast enough, though, she thought bitterly.

He came to stand next to her, pretending to admire the view. It was quite a view. The valley spread out before them, lush and green, a shimmer of blue visible in the distance. The late afternoon sun cast a net of gold over the scene.

She could tell that her friend’s attention was elsewhere, but she waited. If Finn had something to say, he would say it. And sure enough, after a few minutes of silence, he spoke.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

She closed her eyes, feeling the beginning of a headache coming on. It had been too much to expect that Finn wouldn’t notice. Whether he was powerful with the Force, or just good at paying attention, Finn had a tendency – a sometimes very irritating tendency – to notice even the smallest change in his friends’ moods.

And the change in her mood hadn’t exactly been small. Honestly, she was surprised he hadn’t noticed her terror back on Vardos. Back when she had figured it out.

She should have told him then. What was the point of having a partner if you held back information?

Slowly, reluctantly, she let down her mental shields. She sent a small mental nudge in Finn’s direction, inviting him to see her memories. He was silent as he took in the scene on Vardos yet again, this time seeing it from Rey’s point of view. Feeling what she’d sensed as she stood at the scene of the attack, surrounded by bloodstains and twisted metal, and tapped into the swirling energy around her.

“You felt more than I did,” he said, when he had finished. His tone was admiring. “I felt the Force signature, but you – how did you get all that? He was so conflicted,” Finn said, wondering. “So angry.”

Yes, the mystery attacker had been angry. A strange kind of anger that wasn’t directed at his targets so much as at the universe at large. And he’d been afraid, so very afraid, but too proud to admit it. Rey had felt it all. It was an odd mix of emotions, and one that was deeply familiar.

Terrifyingly familiar.

Rey let her eyes drift shut. “I’ve felt this before,” she heard herself say. Her voice was raw. Here, away from the rest of them, she could let the fear sneak in.

“I’m not going to like this, am I?” Finn muttered.

“Ben Solo.” Her hands tightened on the railing as she spoke the name. “It’s exactly how Ben Solo’s mind felt, before… Just before he became Kylo Ren. I saw it in his memories,” she added, correctly guessing Finn’s question as he opened his mouth to speak.

Her own heartbeat felt impossibly loud in the silence that followed _. I should have told him_ , she thought guiltily.

But she’d been so scared. She was still so scared. 

“Hold on,” Finn said. “You’re saying… You’re saying there’s a Force user out there who feels just like _Kylo Ren_?”

She swallowed. “Not exactly. It’s not – It’s someone new. Younger. But the fear, the anger, the pull between Dark and Light, it’s all the same.”

There was another long silence. And then – “Shit,” Finn said.

Rey let out a watery chuckle, and nodded.

Finn pushed himself off the railing. “I’ll tell Poe,” he offered. She nodded, not meeting his eye.

It took a long time for Finn and Poe to return. In that time, another three people passing by stopped to congratulate her. Apparently, everyone had heard about her new academy.

She needed to be in charge of training Force users like she needed a rathtar infestation, but as usual, she hadn’t been able to say no to Poe. She couldn’t even remember, now, how he’d convinced her. Something about the galaxy needing hope, probably. That was his usual line.

 _Because you always fall for it. Idiot_.

The truth was, she'd had hope, too. She knew she wasn’t worthy of teaching the next generation of Force users, but she couldn’t help but dream of it anyway; of a place of serenity and purpose, where the dividing lines of the past could be put aside. No more Sith, no more Jedi, no more masters and followers. Just Force users, learning to use their powers to heal a wounded galaxy.

Every single person who had congratulated her so far had said something about her new “Jedi academy.” So much for moving beyond the divisions of the past. _Usually I at least get to start before I fail_.

When Poe and Finn finally showed up, she was almost relieved. Almost. And then she saw the looks on their faces.

Poe gestured with his head to a nearby room, and she followed. He entered last, locking the door behind him. “What we say in here doesn’t leave this room,” he said, his voice quiet but firm. He turned to Rey. “Finn told me what you saw.”

She nodded. Poe ran a hand through his hair, looking appropriately terrified.

Finn… Finn looked furious. She shot him a mental nudge, the brief pulse of concern they usually used to mean, _what’s wrong_? He looked away, his jaw tight, and Rey’s stomach sank.

“Poe told me something, too,” Finn said, his tone deceptively calm. Still not looking at her. “About Ben Solo.”

A flash of pain, then, at hearing the name; the emotion as raw as ever. Followed, this time, by a cold trickle of fear. _He knows_.

“Ben Solo is dead,” she said. Out the window, she saw the tips of the trees fading from gold to darkest green as the last rays of sun left the sky. “He died on Exegol.”

“Rey. He knows,” Poe said, at the same moment that Finn burst out, “I thought we were friends!”

Finn. Poe. Two of her closest friends, two people she’d trust to have her back in any fight. It was all she could do to make herself meet their eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, miserable.

“Oh, well, if you’re sorry,” Finn said, the words dripping sarcasm. She winced. She couldn’t remember ever seeing Finn this angry. But then, she’d never concealed the existence of a Sith lord from him before.

 _Not a Sith. A fallen Jedi_. It had been Ben who was taken, broken and bleeding, from Exegol; hidden away before the galaxy could demand his head. Or worse, demand his rule. It had been Ben. Not Kylo.

It was a miracle that it had been Poe who found them. Anyone else, and she was sure Ben would be dead. Nobody else would have paused before shooting, remembering Ben as he once was. Nobody else would have listened, and believed, as she told them that Kylo was gone. That Ben had saved her.

She still wasn't entirely sure why he'd let Ben live. Maybe in memory of Leia. Maybe out of pity for Rey, in her grief and her desperation. Or maybe he just couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger and kill an unconscious man, especially not one he’d known as a boy.

Whatever the case, Ben had ended up in exile instead of dead or on trial. There were only four living beings in the galaxy who knew Ben Solo was alive – well, five, now – and that included Ben himself. It had been safer for everyone that way.

She’d told herself a hundred times that she wasn’t lying to Finn, not truly. Kylo Ren _had_ died. It was Ben Solo who still lived.

The distinction seemed to be lost on Finn. Rey watched, worried, as the energy around him shifted and darkened. But even as she shifted back, sending feelers into the Force, he began taking deep breaths, pulling himself back into control. “Serenity,” she heard him mumble. “There is serenity.” In just moments, she felt his energy calm.

Poe looked between the two of them and clapped his hands. “So. Now that we’re all caught up – “

“Don’t think I’ve forgiven you for this, either,” Finn warned him.

“- we can talk strategy. Rey, you’re probably the best one to go get Ben. You can take him to – “

“I – get Ben? Why?” Rey managed. The words tumbled out from numb lips.

Poe’s eyebrows rose. “So that you can work together on this, of course. Finn tells me Ben has a lot in common with the young Force user you’ve been tracking.”

“Sure, makes perfect sense,” Finn said, nodding, and Poe gestured to him with look in Rey’s direction that said _see?_ “We’ll solve the problem of one Kylo Ren by adding a second Kylo Ren.”

“Exactly!” Poe beamed. “Wait, no – that’s not – “

“Poe.” Rey cut him off. “We can handle this ourselves. There’s nothing that he could tell us that we don’t already know. Anyway, how can he help us, when he can’t even leave the planet?”

Poe gestured as if to wave away her concern. “We’ll have to issue him a special permit to leave, but I don’t anticipate any problems there. So long as it’s temporary.”

Rey shook her head. “No. Poe, no, it’s not necessary, we don’t need to bother him – “

“- and we sure as hell don’t want him with us – “ Finn added.

“ – I was probably wrong about the Force signature, it’s been ages since I’ve seen him, I bet they aren’t so similar, really – “

“ – stab him with my lightsaber if he so much as – “

“Enough,” Poe said loudly, getting their attention. “You know I love you guys, but this isn’t up for debate. We need to solve this. Whoever is behind these attacks, they’re making us look weak, and I really can’t overstate how much we can’t afford to look weak right now.”

Rey fought the urge to hang her head like a chastised child. She could feel Finn doing the same at her side.

“You have a Force user who’s acting like a young Ben Solo,” Poe continued. “We have a fully-grown Ben Solo who knows exactly what that looks like. He can help us here. He’s our best hope, anyway.

“I know you don’t like it, I don’t like it either.” He looked at each of them in turn, his eyes serious. “But keeping the galaxy running means that sometimes, we all have to do things we don’t like.”

 _I hate it when he’s right_ , Rey thought in Finn’s direction. He ignored her.

“Fine,” he told Poe, folding his arms across his chest. “But we get to take your Z-100.“

“You can have the Falcon.”

“And Chewie comes with us.”

“Chewie stays here, he’s the only one we’ve got who speaks Shyriiiwook.”

Finn threw his arms up. “At least give me a raise.”

“Done,” Poe said immediately. Finn’s face brightened. “Ten more New Republic Credits a year sound good?”

“Go kriff yourself,” Finn said, but he was biting back a smile.

Poe grew serious. “Can you leave tomorrow morning?”

For half a second, Rey felt a flash of white-hot fury. She’d said no, damn it. And yet, she was going to be on that ship tomorrow morning. Flying off to find Ben Solo. The last person in the galaxy she wanted to see.

In the next second, her anger left as quickly as it had come, leaving her shaken. “Yes,” she said, and “We’ll be there,” Finn said.

Finn left when Poe did, a clear sign that she wasn’t forgiven. She should feel guilty, she knew, but just then, her mind was too full of other things.

 _Ben_. She’d been ready to cross the galaxy for him, once, ready to face down Snoke and Hux and all the rest for the mere possibility that Ben Solo was still there under Kylo Ren’s mask.

She could feel a hundred memories crowding at the edges of her mind, waiting. She closed her eyes and let them loose. _His face, when he finally took off that damn helmet_. You need a teacher. _His hand brushing hers_. You’re not alone.

And that kiss, that one foolish kiss that had set her blood on fire, that had made her feel that _this, this is what it means to be alive_. And his smile, after, the smile that said _this is what it means to be loved_.

The memory sent a throb of pain through her chest. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream, she wanted to chase after Poe and tell him that she wasn’t doing it. Not this time.

But she was the Jedi. She was Luke’s last student. And Luke’s last student was supposed to be a shining example of serenity and hope. Not a scared little girl, afraid to face her past.

Calmly, carefully, Rey shoved the memories back into place. There was no more time for that. She had a trip to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I am a grown adult with the self-control to use my time for important, productive things.
> 
> Also me: ... like writing a TROS fix-it fic.
> 
> (If anyone is up for beta-reading this, let me know)


	2. Chapter 2

It should have been storming. That would have been much more appropriate for her first meeting with Ben in four years. Their relationship had reminded her of a storm sometimes; something that twisted and raged and destroyed not out of any desire to cause hurt, but simply because such was its nature.

But the weather was irritatingly warm and sunny as their ship made its descent into atmosphere, gliding over forests and lakes.

“What is this place?” Finn asked. Rey almost jumped. Finn had barely talked to her during the trip over. Not that it was any more than she deserved.

“Arwaa.” Her attempt to make the guttural sound that was supposed to end the word had her shaking her head. “I can’t say it the way the locals do.”

“Locals? There are locals?” Finn said, concerned. He shook his head. “Who are the poor fools who got stuck on a planet with Kylo Ren?”

“They welcomed him.” She was nearly as shocked now, four years later, as she had been when Poe told her the first time. “They accept all penitents. It’s a religious thing, I think.” Finn didn’t ask, but she continued, glad to have an excuse to talk. “The settlements here were created during the Clone Wars, to give a home to anyone who agreed to put aside violence and to live simply. _Very_ simply. I don’t think they even have speeders. It’s not very heavily populated, but they’re open to newcomers from all sorts of worlds.”

Finn was silent for a moment, watching the scenery flashing by beneath them as they prepared for landing. “So you’re saying this planet is home to a bunch of peace-loving immigrants with no advanced technology.”

“Pretty much.”

He snorted. “Let’s hope that at least a few of them are still alive, after four years with Kylo Ren.”

_Ben Solo_ , she thought, but didn’t say. She didn’t expect Finn to believe it. Hell, she hardly believed it herself, some days. Had the man she saw that horrible day really been Ben Solo, or had that been a dream, a fantasy born of an injured, traumatized mind?

_His smile, though_. The smile that she couldn’t forget no matter how she tried. That smile could never have been Kylo Ren’s.

Her fingers flew over the controls, preparing for landing, but Finn put out a hand to stop her. “Wait. He’s a bit further ahead,” he said, gesturing with his head.

Rey froze. “You – sense him?”

“Of course,” he said, his tone slightly stiff. As if she’d insulted him by even asking.

“You take the controls then,” she said, stumbling slightly as she moved away. “We should get as close to him as possible. The locals don’t like spacecraft.”

She hoped she sounded like a wise Jedi training a student in the Force. And not, say, like someone who had _no idea_ where Ben Solo was, because she hadn’t been able to feel a thing from him in four years. She’d almost say that it was as though he had died – but the dead occasionally made an appearance. Ben was just gone as if he’d never been.

She’d thought… well. She’d thought a lot of things. She hadn’t expected this, though; hadn’t expected that Finn would sense him when she couldn’t.

_It’s better this way._

If Finn was suspicious, he gave no sign of it. His hands were sure on the controls as he brought them in for landing. He didn’t have Rey’s natural aptitude as a pilot, but he was good enough; better than nearly anyone who didn’t have the gift of the Force. Except for Poe, who never let him forget it.

The landing was smooth as silk, and came far too quickly for Rey’s liking. Her stomach felt as though she’d swallowed a pole-snake. Against her will, a not-so-small part of her mind was crooning in delight. _Ben is here. Ben is here._

Force, she hoped she could get through this without making a fool of herself.

She and Finn both hesitated at the door, each reluctant to leave the ship for their own reasons. Rey shook her head in annoyance at her own behavior, and scrambled out. She scanned the clearing. “Where is he?”

“He’s coming.” Finn didn’t sound too happy at the prospect. “He senses us.”

She nodded, and found that her hands felt strange at her sides. She tried crossing her arms, but it didn’t help.

“Why here?” Finn said. He kept his eyes on the horizon. “Why Arwaa – “ his tongue stumbled over the word – “and not, you know, the inside of a prison cell for the rest of his miserable life?”

“It wouldn’t have been safe,” she said absently, eyes still scanning their surroundings. “Half the galaxy would have been trying to kill him – “ Finn mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like _what’s the problem?_ “ – And the other half thought he was doing a decent job as a leader.”

She hesitated before adding. “And the Dark Side… it’s powerful. And once you’re pulled in, it’s almost impossible to get out. I’m not saying that Ben Solo is innocent of what Kylo Ren did, but – he’s not entirely guilty, either. It’s complicated.”

“Convenient,” Finn muttered.

Rey took a deep breath and shoved back her rising anger. “It’s not as simple as you think it is.” And apparently she hadn’t hidden her anger very well, after all, because Finn was raising an eyebrow at her tone.

“Oh really? And what do I think? Tell me, please.”

His irritation sparked her own. “You think – “ she began. And then stopped. Because Ben Solo had just walked into the clearing, and her brain seemed to be shutting down.

He looked just as he had when she last saw him. Just as he still looked, when she closed her eyes. She bit her lip to keep from calling his name. _Ben_. So clearly Ben, even from this distance. The face was Kylo Ren’s, with the same dark, curling hair, strong features, and dark eyes. But the way he moved, as if he was comfortable in his body, as if he were at peace – that wasn’t Kylo Ren at all.

“His energy is different,” Finn said, surprise in his tone. Rey nodded, without tearing her eyes away.

As he came closer, Rey could see that there had been changes to his appearance, after all. Time, or maybe grief, had left faint lines around his eyes, and the scar she’d given him on Starkiller base had been joined by a network of crisscrossing lines that must have been remnants of the fight with Palpatine.

But mostly, there was something in his eyes that spoke of loss, of a lifetime wasted. For a moment, he almost reminded her of Luke.

Strangely, the changes only made him more beautiful. He had been rage and pain with the face of a harsh young god; now, he was serenity and sorrow, with small imperfections that said he was human.

And then he smiled, and Rey forgot how to breath.

“Rey.”

_Get a hold on yourself_. She was not going to get weak-kneed just because he’d said her kriffing _name_.

“It’s good to see you,” he continued.

Was it just her, or was the planet much warmer than she’d realized?

“Rey _and Finn_ ,” Finn said loudly.

Ben tore his eyes from Rey, the smile still on his face. “It’s good to see you, too,” he said, sounding so genuine that Finn’s jaw dropped.

Finn recovered himself quickly, and shook his head, ignoring Ben’s outstretched hand. “This isn’t a social call, Ren. We need your help.”

Ben drew his hand back, the smile fading from his face. “What happened?”

She couldn’t read his thoughts anymore, but she could still guess his fear. “It’s not Palpatine,” she said, and his shoulders relaxed with relief.

He looked to her, waiting for her to continue. She avoided his eyes, her gaze dropping to his chest. His clothes must have been locally made; the fabric of his shirt was rougher than even the uniforms during the Resistance’s worst years.

Finn sighed. “Rey, you want to show him?”

She looked at Finn in horror. Right. Because they were all Force users, and the memory was right there, and it made perfect sense for Ben to just go into her head and look at it. Very efficient. The best way to do things, really.

Except for the part where the absolute last thing she needed was Ben Solo back in her head.

“You explain.” She faked a brief cough, hoping it would explain why her voice was suddenly as rough as a Hutt’s.

Finn looked like he was questioning her sanity, and she couldn’t blame him. She’d come a long way just to decide she didn’t want to talk. But he didn’t contradict her. Not in front of Ben, anyway, although she’d bet a month’s rations that she’d be hearing about this back on the ship.

He started from the beginning, with the attack on Taanab four months earlier. There had been five attacks, in total. Five attacks, and this was the first time they’d so much as picked up a Force signature. Five times Rey had watched Poe’s expression go from hopeful to resigned, and had known that she was to blame.

It didn’t take long to tell the whole story. The upside, she supposed, of having so very little information to share. Ben listened quietly to the end. “Where do I come in?” he asked, when it was clear Finn had no more to say.

Finn shot her an irritated look. Then he closed his eyes, lifting one hand to his head. Rey recognized the gesture a second too late. Her short cry of protest went ignored as Ben’s eyes locked on Finn, his focus on the memories the other man was showing him. _Rey’s_ memories.

Her hands curled into fists at her sides as she watched him take it in. His look of intense concentration turned to surprise, then recognition, then fear. And finally a bone-deep weariness that so closely mirrored her own feelings that she quickly looked away, afraid to meet his eyes.

For a minute, the only sound was the wind in the trees.

“Where do I come in?” Ben asked again. The honey-smooth tone that had made her feel dangerously warm was gone. Now his voice was rough, wounded. Somehow, horribly, the change left her feeling more drawn to him than before. She wanted to take his hand, she wanted - Force help her, but she wanted to hold him and tell him it would be alright. 

Finn shifted back on his heels, and Rey could see that between her and Ben, her friend had been pushed to the limit. She put a hand on his arm to calm him. Ben’s eyes followed the gesture, then slipped away.

“Poe’s given his permission for you to come off-world to help us,” she told him.

Ben turned to her, wordless. She didn’t need his words, or the Force, to know his thoughts. As always, his emotions were written on his face for the world to see. There was despair there, and sadness, and a wild longing.

“Please,” she added, and somehow that one word was full of all the things she hadn’t wanted to say; somehow it came out sounding like _I miss you_.

Ben held her gaze for a long moment, and nodded.

It was Finn who accompanied Ben back to his cottage to pack his things, while Rey stayed behind to fix the Falcon.

She ignored Finn’s dirty look. She wasn’t avoiding Ben. The Falcon genuinely needed repairs. True, the Falcon always needed repairs, but still. Not avoiding.

At least, she wasn’t until he appeared at her side. Coming out of nowhere and startling her so badly she nearly dropped the hydrospanner.

“Ben.” Her heart was racing. “Did you need something?”

“I don’t expect anything,” he said. “From you. So if that’s why you’ve been so anxious around me, you don’t have to be.”

She sighed, letting the spanner drop to her side. Typical of him to cut straight to the chase. She’d always secretly liked that. Sure, sometimes she’d been afraid he was going to kill her, and sometimes she’d wanted to kill him, but she’d always known where they stood. She missed that, sometimes, with her friends in the Rebellion; missed the stark simplicity of the social interactions she’d known as a child alone in the desert. Without false sympathy, or elaborate dances around the subject. Without needing to guess what anyone was really thinking.

Still. She liked his simplicity, but that didn’t mean she liked it _now_.

“I’m not anxious.”

“You can’t lie to me.” His voice was gentle. “We know each other too well for that.”

She swallowed back the lump in her throat. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Rey.” He reached for her, his hand coming to her elbow. And maybe their bond was gone, maybe she wasn’t in his head anymore (or he in hers), but somehow his touch was enough to trigger a flood of emotion anyway. As if he’d flipped a switch and opened the door holding back years of memories.

She jerked back as if he’d burned her.

His face closed off, but not so fast that she didn’t see a quick flash of hurt. She felt the pain echo in her own chest. _Damn it._ She had never meant to hurt him. He didn’t deserve that.

(She knew Finn would disagree. She also knew that Finn was wrong. Rey had been on Exegol; Rey had faced Palpatine. She knew what one minute with the Sith lord was like. Ben had _grown up_ with Palpatine _in his head_. She couldn’t even imagine.

Ben deserved happiness.)

For a moment, she thought of apologizing. Explaining herself.

In the next moment she thought better of it. There was no point in complicating matters. She and Ben were working together on a mission. Nothing less, and nothing more.

“I’m not anxious,” she lied again. “I just prefer to keep things professional. Between us.”

Whether Ben believed her or not, she couldn’t say. All she knew was that he stood there for a long moment, then turned and boarded the Falcon, leaving her to finish her work and wonder how the kriff this was all going so bad, so quickly.

“So, uh – what now?” Finn asked, when they were safely in the cockpit of the Falcon, preparing for takeoff.

“What do you mean?”

“Are we taking him back to Ralltiir?” Finns hands were busy at the controls as he spoke. He frowned at the blinking light signalling a new message had been received, angling his body to allow him to read the transcript.

“No,” Rey said quickly. “There are too many beings there, it’s not safe. Maybe we should start on Vardos, see what he picks up there?”

Finn was silent, his frown deepening as he read. “No need,” he said. He looked up, his eyes bleak. “There’s been another attack.”


End file.
